寻觅 A Little Urban Happiness

最近仕事での打撃が連発だ。

これまでに自分がわがままにほっからした問題が如何に仕事に影響してきたかにようやく気付いたりして、プラス雨の日が続いているから、

気分がなかなか晴れてこない。

 

だけど、なんとなくだけど、前よりは平静になってきている。

 

絵を書きたいなって

油絵の筆とカンバスを買おうかな・・・

 

 

After I had dinner with my Japanese co-worker, I had a chance to have a drink with a friend from England who helped expand the boundary of my imagination even further.

 

Our conversation began with his confession of having hypersexuality. 

"I have a girlfriend but I have hypersexuality." He suddenly told me this. 

"REALLY!"  And I could not help but started to be excited.  An interesting and unique topic is always welcomed after a tough week with work.  "Well, but what does it mean?" I guess he would have told me anyway even if I did not pop the question.  My eyes were sparkling for more details.

 

This friend and his Japanese girlfriend are both working for investment banks in Tokyo and they have been in a relationship for three or four years.  But both of them are having sex with other people, and sometimes they enjoy inviting the third party to join them.  "Life is too short, and we both enjoy sex a lot." He explained, and also told me that sometimes they tell each other what happened in the "affairs" and exchange the information.  "If there is something interesting, we would try together."

 

I was impressed indeed.  It is easier for me to imagine a male enjoy this relationship. But for girls, I am still wondering if this girlfriend is really enjoying it as much as her boyfriend, or this is just another similar story I have been listening that tells the poor girl has been really tolerent for keeping the relationship and she had to creat the image that she is actually having sex with others and enjoying it.  Yes, I heard the similar stories in Japan, a paradise for foreign men from the West.

 

Assuming they both are totally fine with it, then it becomes a really intereseting story!  Is is a sign of the progress to a new and liberal generation or the evidence that human are going back to animality?  I don't know.  But as long as they are both happy, it does not matter.  

 

However, after I heard his relationship, I nearly asked the question to my friend "but then why do you need a girlfriend?"   He is an attractive man and definitely has no problem finding girls as much as he wants (probably especially in Asia).  So why does he commit to a relationship if he can just have as much as he what?  Very soon I realized that it would have been stupid if I asked the question.  The fact is that sex with the girlfriend is certainly very important though it is weighted less in his value towards relationship.   I am not sure what exactly made him commited into a relationship and call the partner a girlfriend, but it must be something more valuable.  It may be the feeling and capability to grow up together which I consider the most significant factor to choose a partner in a positive manner. 

My best acheivement for last week was to realize that the understanding of love relationship has been moving into a new era.

 

One of my co-worker, a close friend who is one year younger than me, used to tell me before that he did not mind his girlfriend to cheat on him as long as he does not hear about it.

I told him that I think he could do so only because he'd never really loved any of the girlfriends who have been chasing him because of his looking and smartness in the past.  However, he raised his objection to my little judgement by telling me something I don't know how to response.  "We human can love more than one at the same time and it is such a natual thing."  "If you can love two children at the same time, why can't you love two men or two women at the same time?"  I kept silent for a while, and told him in the end that perhaps there is only few people in the world think in the same way like US.  Or many people have realized it but they have to keep denying themselves because it does not follow the mainstream. 

 

Yes, I do think it is possible, though I also know people are programmed in very different ways, so not everyone shares the same opinions and has the same limitation.

 

The dimension  was developed even further when I had dinner with a new friend from England.  ...Write later, sleeping mode..

今月に入って初めて、下に後輩がつくようになりました。

 

後輩に指示したり、後輩に聞かれて答えたりするたびにびくびくします、

・・・間違えたらどうしよう、後輩のほうがわかっていたらどうしよう、って

 

これまでは上に甘えたり、わからないことがあってもうまく自分に逃げ道を作ったりして、割とのんびりしながら仕事をこなせてきたが、

これからは、先輩としての自覚を持ちながらしっかり下に教えられるようにしっかり勉強しなきゃ。

 

ああ、やっと家に帰れる、疲れたかも、咳して疲れた。

明日も頑張る

 

p.s.今日は友達からとっても温かい励ましのメッセージをいただいたから誰かとシェアしたいと思って、勝手ながら載せさせていただきます。

 

Honey, wanna tell you that today is a beautiful day. I am happy because I have good and bad in life. They make me to be who I am.

You too.

I love you.

 

(Thank you J, I love you too / Cat)

Today, for the first in my life, I decided not to keep in touch with someone anymore. And I know I really mean it.

 

Certainly there have been people who I you know probably you will not have a chance to see again or hear from. But it’s not the same this time.

I did know sooner or later it might be going to happen eventually, but never thought it would have come so soon and sudden.

 

 

I understand perfectly that this can not really be counted a lifetime decision, and it does not affect my life at all. But, still, suddenly I feel empty, I feel I am like a kid who just lost something really important. I feel there is a hole in my heart, and I am scared without a clear reason.

 

But, I will be alright.